Only the Best are Recruited

Only the best are recruited.

As I was at the gym a couple days ago, sitting outside the room where my body sculpting class was about to take place, I found myself observing, very inconspicuously of course, those who were working out around me.  I noticed some people were working with their personal trainers.  Possibly these were athletes, some of them definitely looked like they were in top physical athletic condition.  And that is when I began to think about the recruiting process.

As we all know, when someone gets recruited to play a sport in college, that usually means a lot of things.  The student will sometimes get a their tuition covered and all sorts of other benefits.  And what does the school get that does the recruiting?  The performance from the athlete, and the strength they will bring to the schools team and to the reputation of the school.  But, in order to even get recruited, your performance has to stand out amongst others in your field, be it athletics, theatre, music, etc.  Only the best get recruited.

Ok, now bring that into the "field" of cult recruitment.  I know I have struggled with embarrassment that I was recruited into a cult.  I DO realize that I was deceived, and that the recruiting methods were not exactly "upfront and honest" (to say the very least)  when it came to what was to be expected of me, much less what to be gained by the cult and the cult leader from my involvement. Nevertheless, telling someone you were recruited into a cult is a whole different ball game than telling someone you were recruited by a college, or any other official institution for that matter!!!

BUT.... what struck me as I  sat outside that workout room, waiting to put myself through an hour of iron pumping hell, was that only the best are recruited.  The things that the cult had used and exploited for its own purposes, are still the things that make up who I am today.  In fact, cults want people who are hard working and can be of a strength and a benefit to the group, or better said, to the leader.  We used to say in our group, "God wants to use your skills for His kingdom.  He is drawing people who have many different talents and skills to be used, not in the world, but for Him."  That used to sound so pure and so right to me.  Now it just sounds like another deceptive recruiting method, used to bring in more people to group to benefit Randy's "vision".

Yes, I am a hard working, passionate person, who likes to give myself whole heatedly to what I believe in.  I like that part of myself and never want it to go away.  But I now see that I am in control of my own life and it is up to me where I will direct that passion and I know that God is with me.  Wherever I go.  He gave me a mind, and He gave me freedom, in fact He died to give me freedom, and He is happy that I am using what has been given to me.  The cult tried to make me think those things were given to me to be used for Randy Nusbaums "vision" and "message of the cross"  and for his purposes and his personal benefits.  That is called exploitation.

Ok, so some basic differences between cult recruitment and say college recruitment:

1.  Colleges give you a specific time table of how long you will be "playing" at their school, say for four years.  Then you are done. When a cult recruits you, they rarely just "let you go", especially if you are a benefit to them, even though you may have served their for years.  And when you leave there are major penalties- like being shunned from the group, etc.

2.  College recruits know that they are being recruited with the expectation to perform, athletically, musically, etc.  They are aware of that from the beginning.  Cult recruits are not told that they are expected to perform until AFTER they get signed up.  And man, the level of performance that is expected is usually  absolutely exhausting.

3.  College recruits realize that their performance will affect the reputation of the school.  If they play badly, and do not deliver at game time, the school will not make playoffs, etc. There is the possibility that one could lose the scholarship if poor performance continues.  That is understood by the recruit.  For cults, there is also a reputation to be protected.  That of the group and that of the leader.  From what I saw go down in my group, those who questioned the leader concerning his actions, or even spoke negatively about him, were demonized and more or less kicked out through being shunned.  But again, possible repercussions such as these were never made clear at sign up time.

I am sure there are many more comparisons, but these are a few that come to mind.  Maybe you might have a couple to add?

I am deciding not to feel embarrassed about the fact that I was recruited into a cult anymore. Those same qualities that have been exploited, are now mine to use as I desire.  And that gives me hope.

Thoughts From the Cultic Studies Conference

Well, about two weeks ago I returned from attending my first International Cultic Studies Association conference in Denver, Colorado.  It lasted for two days, and man, was it packed full of a lot of great stuff.

At first, I'll admit, I was thinking about not going because it was only two days, and the expense of the trip and missing some school and work and all of that.  But I do not think that I could have handeled another day of sessions, emotionally.  It was really hard to hear so much about cult abuse and to just sit and listen to the stories and the reality of the horrors that people have lived through.

I learned a lot about this group of people called "second generation adults"  or SGA's as they are now called.  These are people who are born and raised in cults and when they leave they often leave their entire family behind, and have no prior identity or life to return to.  The things some of these people had experienced and lived through are mind blowing.  And that they have survived to tell their stories.  It really helped me put things in perspective in my own experience.  I was in my group for ten years, and it has been the most difficult thing I have had to face in my life thus far.  It also made me think of the people that are still in the cult that I was a part of who have been born and raised in the group.  Especially the children of the leaders.  It has given me more understanding of possibly why they are the way they are.

I realize that there are no quick answers to healing.  I have been out for almost two years and in some ways it is not getting easier.  But even harder.  I am realizing that ten years is a long time, it was a long time compared to most of the people at the conference.  Except the SGA group that is.  I have realized that I am in control of my life now, and I am taking control of it, possibly for the first time ever.  And it is scary to me, because it is so new, and I have this wonderful child in the backseat and wherever I decide to go, he will be effected by those decisions. Man, in so many it felt so much easier to just let someone else navigate life.  But look where that got me. 

I found myself getting irritated with some people who would complain about how hard it was to leave, and how they felt like they lost everything.  But, they still had their spouse, and had the support of their blood families.  I felt like saying, "at least you guys had each other, and still have each other for support, stop bitching."  Obviously, I have some hurt there.  And everyone's pain is relative to their own life situation.  But I  do not know if people really understand how awesome it must be to have a spouse and/or family to support you in your time of leaving a cult.  I know I can only wish I had that.

I found myself irritated with people who left their cults, but still had an education and/or a career to fall back on.  Again, I felt like saying, "why are you bitching?  at least you can support yourself!!!"  But again, that is me speaking out from my own pain. 

I found myself not wanting to leave the conference and return to my life back in Texas, so the last day I was there I was a bit depressed.  I see that there is still a desire in me to escape from painful situations in life.  Which is exactly what I did when I joined the cult.  

The last night, I hung out with two girlfriends of mine who were also involved in cults, and we had a great time.  We laughed so hard about so many things.  Man, laughter is some powerful medicine, ya know?  I think that we all need more of that in life, don't you?

The Trickery of Titles

I caught myself saying something that showed me that I still have some sort of attachment to the "titles"  that my cult had so graciously bestowed upon me, yes me, the faithful and deserving, I mean, serving one.

I was talking to someone recently about jobs I have held in the past as I just finished creatively integrating my cult skills into meaningful and realistic "past job experiences" on  my resume (this is something all of us ex- cult members must contend with as we begin to re-enter the real world, especially those of us who have these like DECADE long gaps in our job histories that must be filled with something other than "cult team member").   

I said something to this person to the effect of "Oh yeah, I was a teacher once too, at this Bible school, and I was a leader there too, I was the 'Dean of Women' for a brief time, and I was like in charge of all the girls on 'property' ".  And this person, of course, had no idea what these titles meant, nor that I was in a cult, and I was surprised as these words came out of my mouth. I saw how these titles still have given me some sense of pride and accomplishment and worth.

I think they have done a lot more than that.  They kept me there, thinking that what I was doing was important.  It made me feel needed.  It made me feel like I was really accomplishing something big for the Kingdom of God.  I was busy all right, to the point of exhaustion, because I had a duty to fulfill.  I was the "Dean"  after all.  Had to be a good example.  I had many duties to fulfill, in fact the duties just continued to grow and grow and grow and eventually that feeling of accomplishment that come through upholding this title by fulling these duties, turned into burnout. Severe burnout. I think of the children of Israel, and their brick loads getting heavier and heavier and heavier until they cried out to God to be delivered from their bondage.  Spiritual abuse and spiritual bondage is kind of like that.  I think, anyway.

The funny thing is, these "titles"  were nothing other than handcrafted labels made by an ever changing leadership, and the titles themselves were ever changing.  We were told that the  reason for this was, "God is always doing something new here!".  But, you know what I think?  I think the cult "titles"  that were given to the cult workforce from the untouchable cult leadership, were timed and at certain times handcrafted and given with purpose,  possibly to control the members for a longer period of time.  Think about it, if the hard core, hard working members of the cult leave, how will things keep running?

When these seasons of change would come, you know, when "God was doing something new!!" (and of course, only a few in the inner circle of leadership were able to specifically hear from God as to what these changes were), this often meant Randy, being the spiritual head of the group, had heard from God as to how the leadership was switching up.  I now wonder if these revelations of new leadership roles and titles where nothing more than Randy naturally evaluating what certain members needed to stay around.  I think it was all about control, under the guise of "hearing from the Lord".  Excuse me, I think I need to go vomit.

I wonder, would I have stayed in the group as long as I did if I was not given some sort of leadership responsibility after awhile?  Some title or something to make me feel like what I was doing was of some real importance?  I know someone who has been given the name of "assistant pastor".  He takes this very seriously, but I am sorry to say, I see this as yet another form of control extending from leadership over this young mans life.  It has given him a great sense of importance and he truly believes this is Gods calling on his life. This grieves me.

OK, who I am I to say such things?  I am not God, I know God can use anything, and no time is wasted, even years in a cult.  Everything can be redeemed in that sense.  I cannot tell you how much fulfillment comes when I get to converse with others who have been involved in cults and have been spiritually abused and the connection and the understanding and the kindred spirit that is there, and I believe the things that I have been through have prepared me to understand and help others who have been abused spiritually.  I am going to my first international cult conference in a week and I can't tell you how excited I am to share my story, to meet new people and begin fighting in this field for the hurt and oppressed. 

But, I will just brake it down here, and share what my actual title was, versus what the job really required.  I was, briefly, the "Dean of Women"  on the cult bible school grounds.  Sounds big and high and mighty, huh?  Well, this meant that I checked up on like the two to maybe seven (max!) single girls to make sure there lights were out at curfew, resolve occasional conflicts, and enforce the controlling handbook rules when there would be a student who still was not willing to surrender over her rational thought and submit to the ridiculous day by day,  rigid controlling cult schedule, designed and enforced for us, the true disciples, the sincerely given.  So we could be brought under mind control, and in turn, one day get a title and be used to bring others under mind control. 

There are many more examples I could give her, but you get the idea.  The trickery of titles, who really benefited from them in the end anyway..... the one who received the title or the leadership who created it?  

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted, but a lot has happened.  One major unfortunate event that occurred two weeks ago was the passing away of Dr. Martin.  He was the founder of Wellspring retreat center in Ohio, a wonderful place that helped bring me back to sanity when I spent two weeks at center last fall after leaving my cult.  A wonderful place and an even more wonderful man. He is sorely missed by many.  I have attached a couple sites in which sentiments concerning the work and life  of  Dr. Martin were recently posted.  One is the International Cultic Studies Website, and the other is the Rick Ross cult awareness site.

http://www.cultnews.com/  

http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_profile/martin_paul_reflections.htm

It has been two years now since I first left the "property" of the Bible based cult that I had been a part of for ten years.  It was the best decision I have ever made.  Now looking back in retrospect at the things that were taking place and subsequently led up to the departure, I have a new,  and yes, even thankful perspective of these painful yet necessary events that prompted me to back my bags.  

The mistreatment that was so painful, causing me to even question my belief in God, is now something that I can honestly give a loud and sincere "Oh God thank you, thank you, thank so much!!"  No joke.  A year ago if someone told me (and believe me people did) that I should be thankful instead of being angry for whatever it took to get me out of that hell hole, inside I would have felt like telling them, well.... okay, maybe I should not pen those thoughts here.  But, as the dust has settled, and good old hindsight is bringing some clarity, I can hardly believe that I am starting, just starting to be thankful for these events.  I honestly feel somewhat thankful for the things that  caused me to move on with my life.  Thankful, to some degree.

So, I decided to do some blogging, and give a shout out, Grammy awards style,  to all those who helped me come to the final decision to pack my bags and move out of cultville.

"I would first like to thank all those in leadership at Accelerated Training School and New Creation Fellowship, whom, through their continued abuse of authority, contributed to keeping me in a state of dependency upon their ability to hear from God for my life decisions.  I also want to thank those who were in leadership at the Bible school, (A.C.T.S)  for keeping me so busy with menial tasks, day in and day out, that I lived in a constant state of sleep deprivation, which resulted in my critical thinking skills becoming  severely weakened, so much so that years of my life just passed away without me really stepping back and analyzing the fact that I was busy, but really producing nothing, nor going anywhere.  

I would like to give a special shout out to Nissi Dolan, for being one of the most mean spirited and spiritually abusive people I have ever encountered in my life.  Through your continued verbal beat downs and spiritual bullying, the idea of leaving began to enter my mind, causing me to begin to see that the cult environment was really a place of control, and not a place I wanted to be a part of any longer.  Oh, thank you, Nissi.  God has really used you, in a very special way, in many peoples lives.  You are a lot like your Daddy.

And last, but not least, speaking of Nissis Daddy, I would like to thank Randy Nusbaum for making all of this possible, for if it was not for him and his "vision" to make an environment in Denton, Texas, for those who have been "called to be (real) disciples of Christ (Randy's teachings) none of this would have been possible!!! 

I imagine some who may read this might be thinking that I went to far, and of course, please feel free to think whatever you want!!!  That is a freedom I will never allow to be taken from me again.  But, ya know what?  That is the truth, and so many people who have been abused feel that they must cover up their abusers, and they feel like it is their fault, and they feel ashamed.  But I am no longer ashamed, nor am I going to keep my mouth shut any longer about the crazy spiritual abuse that I suffered for years in that place, that people are still suffering in that place, and in many other abusive cults around this world.  You are the ones who should be ashamed of what you are doing to people, Randy Nusbaum and all of you "true" believers of the cross that remain in your group that has been whittled down to about twenty members.  

I was a young woman, confused, going through a divorce, looking for answers and for love and acceptance somewhere, and I fell into a trap by trusting you.  And I was deceived, and it was not my fault.  If I remember anything from my two weeks of counseling with Dr. Martin, it was that.  I do not feel guilty any longer about being in a cult for ten years because I was deceived.  Like buying into false marketing, I was told that what I was getting was something very, very, different than what it really was.

And I think about all the people today who are are in a place in their lives like I was twelve years ago, and I see them falling into the same trap.......because, like me, they have no idea that they have just encountered a cult.

And my anger is justified, and my anger  motivates me and will continue to motivate me to do what I now know I am going to do with my life.  Because anger is not wrong, oh Randy Nusbaum, nor is it "anti-lamb" or whatever false teaching concerning a human beings emotions you laid upon all of us hard cores.  God gave me my emotions, and I listen to them, and they are a part of me that is wonderful and not to be denied, belittled, or not felt.  

Know what else?  I still have a relationship with God.  Contrary to what has been believed of me, that I left God because I left the cult and Randy's  teaching, my faith is more real than it ever has been in my life.  I am not earning anything.  As a result, I am not judging people like I did when I was a member of the "elite and chosen".   I am no different than anyone else in this world, and I am okay with that.

It really is a "time to speak"in my life.  And I look forward to speaking more.  I feel that it is only just beginning.  

It Is More Than Okay To Believe In Yourself!

I just read an article in a magazine while sitting on an airplane that I found incredibly inspiring.  The article was focused on women who have become successful and have made contributions to society through their respective work.  My attention was drawn to the story of one woman who is my age, and is a multimillionaire, and has made great contributions to the world through her scientific work.  

Ok, I admit that I was originally drawn to her story because she was my age and I compare myself with other women my age.  Which I think can be good and bad.  But when you have been in a cult for ten years and generally feel behind on everything in life, it is wise to be careful when drawing such comparisons.  Regardless, it was her attitude and determination that I found inspiring.

She said,  and I will do my best to paraphrase here, that she always overshot on what she believed her potential to be.  At best, she said, you learn that you have the ability to go further than you ever thought you could.  At worst, you discover your own limitations.  Awesome.

If we will not be our own life coach, who will be?  If we will not believe in ourselves, who else will?  In the cult that I was a part of, we were told not to believe or trust in ourselves, but "in the living God".  Why would God give me strengths and abilities if I was to disregard them?  Was He wrong in giving them to me and making me the way that I am?  Or is He just some kind of trickster who gave them to me but wants me to never pick them up and use them, just look at them, regard them as evil, and deny them daily.  I don't think so.   That is, anymore.

Sometimes in life we have people walking by our side who encourage us, who see us for who we are, and help us when we forget who that is.  But sometimes we don't have those people with us, and I think that is when we become our own life coach.  And what kind of coach are we?

Before I joined the cult, I was the kind of life coach  that was pretty negative.  I would always tell myself that I was never good enough, would never be the kind of person I wanted to be, a failure in life, etc.  A self defeating coach.  Then I joined the cult and I let other people be my life coach.  I let other people tell me what my strengths and "gifts" were, as well as my weaknesses and flaws.  I allowed these coaches define who I was and what I needed to work on in my life to be a stronger christian or overcome a demon problem or become more Christ centered or whatever it was I was striving for.  You see, I allowed them to put me in a box, and label me, and keep me there for years. Through allowing these other spiritual leaders to "coach" me, I had given them control over my life.

But not anymore.  I am taking control of my own life and I like it.  I am so much more than that cult ever made me out to be.  My self esteem took a beat down in that "environment"(that is what we called the property of our cult, a total christian living environment).  But I say watch out, I am commin up stronger than ever.  Hence the name of my blog, emkaycommingup.  Molly Koshatka is no longer some weak beat down christian who can't believe or trust in herself anymore so she must rely on her spiritual "coverings".  I know that I can do far beyond what anyone, including myself, has ever imagined I could.  I thought of a new logo:  "Just tell Me I Can't".  I say this to myself on a regular basis.

 Am I entertaining grandiose thoughts?  Has my ego just drastically inflated?

No, I just believe in myself and my abilities and know that I can be all that I want to become.  I know that I can trust myself and my intuition and my strengths, and the very worst thing that will happen to me is that I will know my own limitations, and there is no fear of that.  Finding your limitations is not failure.  All of us have them, and I wonder if most of us perceive that our limitations are closer than they really are?

My Body is More than Just a Tractor Trailer!!!

Yes, it is true. I have come to the conclusion that my body is more than a "tractor trailer" for Jesus. This sounds absolutely comical now, whereas before it was one of my beliefs. It was a phrase that our cult leader used to say all the time. "People, this body here is nothing more than a tractor trailer for Jesus! It needs to line up with the spirit!" This meant that our physical bodies were simply containers or "tractor trailer's" that housed the life of Christ. The real treasure, or the life of real importance, was not the trailer, (our physical body), but the spiritual life within it.

How did this affect my daily life? Oh, let me tell you!! If I was tired, I will tell my body to "line up with the spirit" and keep on going, because I was not going to be ruled by my body, my body was given to me to serve God! If I was hungry, and it wasn't the "right time" to eat, I would tell my body to line up with the spirit, for we were not to be ruled by our feelings, but we were to be ruled by the spirit. After all, who are we serving? The flesh and all of it's cravings and lusts, or God? It was in these small daily decisions where we really choose who we were serving, self or God. When nobody was looking. And that is how I/we really believed and lived.

Can I tell you where this kind of thinking got me? I look back and see how I lived in a state of sleep deprivation for years of my life, thinking it was glorifying to God in some twisted way. I have since learned that many cults seek to keep their followers in a state of sleep deprivation because it keeps a person passive, and open to suggestion. In a nutshell, easier to control! I have had some health problems, although minor, I know these issues are a result of not listening to nor caring for my physical body for years. Within six months of leaving the cult, I had my eyes checked and got glasses, which really helped with the headache problem. Go figure. I found out I had a couple cavities and got them filled. I went back to school and received HEALTH INSURANCE!! Yes, that nonspiritual waste of money for those who lack faith, or are simply being self centered instead of Christ centered. I purchased some insurance and have been able to receive regular check ups. Imagine that!!

I remember all the people in the group who had and maybe still have some major health problems and can't help but think that it could be related to holding on to this doctrine. When we were in the group, sickness was something that was usually looked at as an attack from the devil or something demonic that we had possibly "opened ourselves up to". Demons and their attacks were something we spoke of frequently. And thought of frequently. I don't think about demons and how they are attacking me nor how I may have "opened myself up to their attacks" anymore. And I think this has greatly improved my mental health!!!!

I listen to my feelings now, because they are there to help me care for myself. They need to be listened to. If I have my hand on a stove and it feels hot, I should listen to that feeling and remove my hand or else it will get burnt. My feelings are there to protect me. I think about how many times I denied listening to my feelings while I was in the cult. And man, did I ever get burnt. My feelings, heck my common sense, was trying to tell me for years that things were not right! But I didn't listen to those "Adamic" thoughts, because I wanted to serve God. What would have happened if I did listen to my own thoughts and feelings while I was in the cult? Those feelings that told me that something is just not right here? I think I might have left a long time before I actually did.

I think about the comments that I hear from others since I left. Things like, "how did you live there and live like that for so long? I don't get it." And I never knew how to answer. But I have begun to see that teaching people not to listen to themselves is a great way to get and keep them under your control.

Yes, my body has more value to me today then just some thing I am hauling around that must be brought into submission. It is a part of me that I am learning to listen to. And care for. Because my own thought and feelings are worth listening to and caring for. And my own thoughts and feelings have more value to me now than Randy Nusbaum's do.

Freedom Never Felt So Good!!

I am so inspired by my friend Amy Shipley. She attended Wellspring the same time I did, and she is in the process of suing her cult, her and a group of the cults former members. She recently shared her story on the news, and I attached the link below. It is only a couple minutes, and if you have the time, check it out.



http://cbs2chicago.com/investigations/dahn.yoga.cult.2.1049155.html



I have been wondering why it seems like life has gotten harder in so many ways since I left the cult that I had been involved in for ten years. There has been a lot of things that I have had to "deal" with, make decisions regarding, and face since my departure. It is almost like I am beginning right where I left off, when I was twenty one years old. And I feel like I am playing catch up. And that makes me mad because I forsook all of these major life decisions because I sincerely believed God wanted me to surrender "all" to Him, which I thought meant my hopes, dreams, independent thought and my critical thinking. I believed that these were all part of my carnal mind, the carnal mind that is an enemy of God. And part of an old man that was crucified, which I would need to reckon dead whenever it tried to live, if I really believed in the cross, that is. I think I had been suppressing my true self during this decade of "reckoning". And now that I am no longer suppressing myself and religiously beating myself down, I am being reintroduced to myself, in a sense, as my personality and dreams begin to naturally inflate and come to life again.
As I observe myself, in this sense, I have to say I like what I see!! Instead of seeing a person who never chooses to go with the Lord enough, is never "pouring out" enough (meaning serving as much as I could/should), never "in the word enough" (searching the scriptures), never, never, never,...... enough!!! I see someone who is no longer living under a guilty conscience!! I am not so aware of my spiritual performance! In fact, I don't even think about how I am measuring up spiritually anymore, and it feels good!! I am getting in touch with my dreams again and I am finding pleasure in pursuing them. I take the time to get a good night's sleep, to eat well, and to take care of myself physically, because I am worth it. I believe that God thinks I am worth it and I now believe it was never Him pushing me to exhaustion and self loathing and constant business in religious activity. I feel free- free enough to not have to sit around all day thinking about God to know that things are cool between us. Free to live my life- the life that He gave me and wants me to live.
I have recently heard that it has been said of me, by those still in the group, that I have left God. They say that I don't go to church, I am really into having a career, and on weekends all I care about is going out. I'm just serving myself now. The truth is, I have never felt so free, free in my relationship with God. Things between us have never been more real and more alive! Free from man's approval and free and secure in God's. It really is not based on my works. At all. Free to love myself as the person He made me, even with all my frailties. This is why I can forgive myself instead of beating myself up constantly, and this is why I can forgive others instead of judging them constantly. I hear myself laugh now and I like the sound of it. I look in the mirror and I see eyes without huge dark circles underneath them, and I like it!! Someone who has known me for years, even before I joined the cult, told me recently that they are seeing my personality come back. Said they are glad, because they missed it. I think I missed it too.

As hard as it has been to face all of the changes that I have had to face since leaving the cult, I would not exchange one drop of this freedom for anything.